Today I woke up just not feeling it, went to lunch feeling like I got hit by a train. Couldn’t remember any dreams. My younger brother and sis were rlly lively and chirpy at the table. (- M. saying I wanted a new ipad, when I asked him when did I ever say that he changes the subject, then talks about this water bottle cheaper is better stuff, then points at me for zoning out etc. etc). Aghdhhhh. Found them all annoying besides my mom who just left me alone to eat. Maybe I’ve been solitudemaxxing a bit too hard. Maybe I’m an asshole who wants them to be ashamed of their happiness. I want them to feel my shame. Those seems more likely

Day went on and I felt a bit less assholey. Mom put up christmas decorations, the tree and the lights outside at night look pretty, the cake is purple and delicious. I think if I could I would just stare at it all day and admire its colors up close

I feel like I live a double life in many aspects, one of them is this. it’s entirely divorced from my physical appearance. I don’t care about my acne, I don’t care about my unkempt hair, never cared for my body hair and so on and so forth, instead I have this compulsion that I’m severely ashamed of, this compulsion towards certain categories of porn. Like I know a ‘porn addiction’ isn’t real in any clinical sense, but yea. It’s like an itch I experience as this completely, innate, unclean flaw, an insidious itch I scratch only to feel worse after, it feels like one of the furthest I can be from a better alternate universe self. I’m not and never was religious, maybe I just like dopamine and shame a lot lot. Great combination. Sighhhhh. Fuck

Song of the day is the one that goes ur hurting me babyy. It brings to mind my imaginary otp who don’t even really count as oc’s, its a bit more complicated than that