They’re talking a bit more now. To me at least, to each other they’re all a tangled mess. Mom is still hateful towards my sister, accusing her of trying to persuade our dad and telling on her to him (she didn’t). I play a part in enabling our weird family dynamics by turning a blind eye, by not communicating and addressing the elephanto in the houseo. I’m not strong enough to be the change I wanna see.

My sister’s opting out of the trip tomorrow though, good for her. And she’s got plans now for moving out. Also good for her. There’s hope yet.

Today was spent mostly looking into reddit threads about parenting, people whining about kids these days and their kids going no contact and the like. Also finished up fingersmith, sue got me blushing ngl

Been thinking about how to come to terms with loneliness. It’s a thought. Maybe when class starts I’ll try the guidance counselor again? Last time I left feeling worse off for crying and I felt like the counselor hated me a little bit. I’m not sure I wanna risk spending money on a psychologist cuz it probably won’t work on me either. But the former is part of the school tuition so might as well…?

Why do I wanna do all that? Cuz I’ve been thinking, I unfortunately have been thinking,

that perhaps loneliness and isolation from others is an unchangeable part of my life😬Jeeeeez. I know I know. A fixed mindset won’t help you. I’m aware my brain’s not gritty enough. I’m a weak crybaby nancy like charles in fingersmith. I’ve tried y’know, I’ve tried giving my nervous system some new information. And my beliefs have not really budged much😬😬. Oh lordy. Maybe I haven’t tried hard enough though, maybe i just gotta keep ramming into the door until the day I die… if experience is the goal then nothing is a loss. Okay. I think I’ll set up that appointment when class starts again.

I’m just gonna start cobra kai and the 2nd book in southern reach, I have stories and hobbies and I don’t need to think of the alternative, no stupid alternate universe selves, not until that appointment has been set at least

Song of the night: ‘the things we do for love’—10cc