Stuff from the night

I watched a certain p video and I wish I never did, what’s done is done unfortunately it’s in my psyche now and forever but Jesus christ of nazareth. How I felt towards it makes me feel disgusting and ashamed before, during, and forevermore but also just that particular video itself objectively is 🤢 I think I’ll hunker down and research what good can come if I just quit watching stuff like that for good, specially from like a women perspective

I’m here for a good time not a long time

And, I have no enemies

I searched for a notebook I might use for dream journaling around the house today and found my brother’s school journal thing, ones where we’re assigned notebooks and write reflections on a topic. Was it an intrusion of privacy? It was out in the open for the all use desk and not in his room, he wrote about how he could make good use of getting formal help, as in a psychologist, and that he likes to cope by talking to a long distance friend. I think I can guess as to why he’d like formal help, but I also know that I don’t know nearly enough.

It reminded me of the fact that I don’t really have any friends, even when I did I never really was honest about my problems, the thought of opening up about stuff that genuinely affected me makes me uncomfortable, they feel like small problems not worth getting affected by once I say them out loud, and I know my voice will shake and I’ll probably cry about it too. And I’m a deeply ugly crier. The gatekeeping is a bit ironic given how much of myself I pour into journals, and even on this site, which is partly meant for the slim chance of other people reading about my days and problems.

Thinking of my brother and his friends and their closeness doesn’t make me feel that envious anymore, just makes me feel hollow

Songs on repeat these days are Gold by Brockhampton, Heaven sent by Tevonmxntana, and ingydar

Me and mom went to buy stuff at the nearby store, I bought a small notebook for dream journaling, worried I might run out of pages quickly. I can’t get the pen out of its side and broke it apart from pulling, but it’s fine because it makes for a good thing to wrap a keychain around so I looped a brown yarn through the hole and the keychain now dangles on the side of the journal, I’m also planning to add a picture on the front

Ok so for dinner was dad ragebaiting mom and mom yelling then he proceeds to get even more mad and gets violent with the chair. I was afraid the noise would traumatize one of our cats again. I felt like crying despite knowing none of it was directed at me. My sis and I talked about what happened and now it’s just, like a memory, a speck of dust now in the grand scheme of worse and better things

I decorated the journal with my mom downstairs watching yt shorts on the tv, which was kinda sad to see after everything that happened. My journal is looking like a alex g song. My brother also came home by then, he told me how bright and crowded the night sky was with stars which isn't a typical sight in our area, and I told him my plans to learn lucid dreaming for good this time after random times of getting them, he said that sounds like a lot of effort, like he’d rather just wake up swiftly and forget about the dream. Kinda made me feel a little stupid, my motivation to lucid dream has dampened now somewhat but uhhhhm i’ll still try i think i have nothing to lose

So ok that just happened

Tw family physical abuse and shi

Mom came into the room and shoved my sister’s face in, legit “feeding” her the key, telling her to get stuffed on that. Thought she was way past being cruel like that but surprises surprises

Not to make this about me and all but thats the only way for me to type this without crying but uhh The only way to stay safe in this house is to want for nothing, that’s how I’ve managed to become the favorite child. It’s either be lifeless and not suffer any direct cruelty, or go out and do stuff and demand stuff for your life—and get beat up for it,, ehehe. Ya. All my moms aura has decreased back to -80. Who would've guessed this would be where the day would end up.

I’m sorry but this has to be up on here bc give it maybe 2 months and I’ve forgotten the details and things are back to “normal,” until of course, they’re not. That’s what sucks.

The most sucky thing about this is we’ll all soon forget. The me now wants to give my mom the silence treatment forever, but as we know from experience, everything is temporary, we live in a house and the house has people in it. The house has work to do. Where there are people, there’s bound to be some degree of corruption. Of rot. And pigeons, maybe.

Uncanny; the most terrifying thing is a human that can’t be reasoned with