Trying to stay up till 5:30am, I thought that nap yesterday would help. It’s 4 right now and holy. My eyes are begging. But I’ve been shutting myself in the house since the start of the break, I have the right to exist and go beyond this don’t I? My older brother and sister get up early to do things all the time. I wouldn’t disagree though that I’m choosing a pretty unreasonable method. What can I say, I hate being teased, “finally coming out of her room” where everyone can see and say it would invite so many useless comments and feelings inside me, and I wanna see the sunrise if I can, I wanna do it while I snack on something. All the very simple and mundane things.

I’ve reached the hour, I just ate mochi and drank apple juice and have just been staring out the window downstairs with the cats scratching at my chair behind me. The wind is cool. Birds chirping from every direction, but I didn’t go on that walk like I said I would. I’ve decided maybe not today. It is enough for now I think to just bask in the breeze coming from the window and admire the stillness, the rare silence of the living room and the shade of blue of the sky. It is rare enough to do that. It is rare enough to ‘take in’ the view from this living room I’ve known for 10+ years—how many of my steps have these floors had? I wish it was normalized to zone out and admire things, having that be a neutral-non-embarrassing thing, instead of immediately getting asked If I’m okay or what depressing thought am I having? (None right now). The shade of blue that reflects upon my skin, upon the curtains from the window. It’s almost like, 4pm instead of 5:30am. And the sight coming to downstairs, was different. Dark but not really, and again that light blue reflecting on everything it can reach. And my interrupting some energetic chase game of the cats’. The cats coming up to watch me strangely. But the shade of blue is coming to a close and making way for a dull whitish-grey as the day actually starts settling in

Time is fed

What counts as alive? What makes a dead cell dead, and a living organism—alive? Aliveness probably exists on a spectrum. I feel more “alive” today than I did yesterday, for example.

Spent most of the afternoon making this color study. Experimented with dark to lights vs light to darks, the latter felt easier for some reason, but I liked the outcome of the dark-to-light version more: