Stuff from 4am notes app (I wouldn't count it as coming from 'today,' more like a time between today and yesterday):

In replacement of tiktok doomscrolling im probably full on leaning now into porn addiction. "Boy crazy." But once you're in, can you ever really get out?

What unfulfilled need am I trying to fill?

There is this ever constant vague feeling of being a disappointment to your father. At the same time though, I am reminded of the millionare submarine incident, what can come from trying to make your dad happy. But what my dad wants for me is happiness and a normal life, so it's different. I just wish he'd wish that for me in a less hateful way. In a less: you are an extension of me and you make me look bad-way. Or in a less: I am your father and the only way I know how to act like it is by shaming you into action. But shame, for the most part I'm ngl, only makes me wanna curl in on myself even more. Like a kicked dog.

But all this psycho babble is just useless self pity learned helplessness useless info. But it's familiar, melancholy is familiar and the brain favors familiars. The devil I know is better than the devil I don't, what do i do man.

Probably, first things first is sleep. Get to grips with sleep. Only kids hate sleep, adults wish they could sleep forever. So I just need to grow up. I just need to move past an emotional blockage from 8th grade thats making me unable to age. I just need to touch grass and get a job and Not have my intimacy social belonging needs met through this black glass brick. I need to get aggressive with it, I need a military bootcamp type man screaming into my face, I want and probably need to join a monastery or some type of religion. I might just be susceptible to cults. I donno, I don't know

So extremeley sleepy today. I spent most of it making the shrine page. Felt a bit sad typing stuff and remembering general ouyang, my beloved

Greeted dad's dad a happy birthday, our sis really wanted us to do it. Dinner was...

Smelled like corn. And he, is so obnoxious and loud. So so loud. Mayonnaise on his lip alcohol on his breath and all

But my mom was just laughing at that too. I was gooone. Someone kick me out from here. I don't even remember what was being talked about

Is it crazy to think parents should have a psych test before having kids? Maybe it's not worth thinking about. There is no unselfish reason to birth kids, but there is also no ethical way to enforce antinatalism.

Sharkee